DarkLordOfOptics
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Guns, Optics, 2nd Amendment and resisting the Left in everything they touch.
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Starting From Scratch... on a budget

The way it usually works with me, when I start postulating various nightmarish scenarios like "the government went nut and all your guns were lost in a tragic boating accident, but then you fell out of a bear stand and hit your head, so you can't remember which lake it was and have to start over", I always start with the high end options. My high end options tend to be boringly repetitive because it is some sort of a Q gun or two with a Tangent Theta or two. There is a reason to my madness because Q, rather than set out to hyperspecialize on something, went the opposite direction with quite a few of their guns. They are a high end take on a general purpose gun. That applies to The Fix, The Boombox and the Sugar Weasel. Honey Badger is a somewhat more specialized thing as are some of the very short Fix variants. Still, Q has a very distinct design philosophy which appeals to my paranoias.
https://eurooptic.sjv.io/jRaBkP

Unfortunately, nothing in Q's product line qualifies as "on a budget". Most of my favourite gunmakers, now that I think about it, do not qualify as "on a budget". I wonder why... probably just a coincidence.
It is not just Q or TacomHQ.
Same for FoldAR, for example. https://alnk.to/5ukq232
While I prefer to build ARs myself from pieces. HoneyBadger and FoldAR are the only real exceptions to that.

Still, a few of my favourite gunmakers do fit real world budgets, so I have enough there to work with. I will lay all this out first and then tell you what I would do personally, if this actually happened.

The reason I do this thought exercise once a year is to see if my preferences shifted and if any new products that came out recently snuck their way onto my list. It is sort of a yearly sanity check that forces me to think the same basic problem through on a yearly basis.

What sort of an armory are we looking at if starting from scratch?

Well, you need a handgun to carry and to practice with. Tiny handguns are great for carry and miserable to practice with, so we are looking for something relatively compact, but not tiny.

A semi-auto centerfire of some sort, chambered for an easily available/ cartridge (i.e. 5.56x45) is next on the list in case we have another Katrina level event that requires you to go feral for a 2 to 4 weeks. Or it could just be for plinking without going broke.

A bolt action rifle to use for hunting. Ideally something relatively light if you are going to be hiking uphill with it.

A rimfire of some sort in case you are attacked by a horde of angry zombie squirrels and need something that takes 22LR ammo. I assume you all have reasonable stockpiles (six digit round counts are not out of the question) of 22LR ammo just for such a purpose.

I want the rimfire suppressed. I also want the centerfires suppressed, but they can share a suppressor.

I am not going to go into match shooting options too much in this scenario though, since that's a topic all its own. It is surprisingly doable on a budget these days though.

Same for shotguns. While I like shotguns and own a few, to me they are very optional, unless you are a collector or a bird hunter. I know there is a whole ethos out there of a shotgun being the perfect home defense weapon. I disagree with that.

Lastly, I am going to ignore restricted states. That's a separate conversation too.

Sidearm:
-A general purpose handgun that can be carried and used to take a class once in a while. Overall, Glock 48 MOS is it https://alnk.to/cHRufCg Yes, P365 has a better trigger, but it is ~$200 more for a similar configuration. I will say though that if you can live with a slightly beefier gun, I am extremely impressed with Ruger RXM https://alnk.to/fSl7Ule It is less expensive and easy to reconfigure in the future. Stock RXM is a Glock 19 sized gun that uses Glock mags and other accessories.
Eventually, you will want to put an optic on that gun. Having spent quite a lot of time cleaning dirt, grime, dry skin, sweat and other nasty things off of the lens of the optic on my carry handgun, I developed a strong preference toward enclosed red dots for carry. They tend to be slightly more expensive, but I think it is worth it. For a budget option, I'd just go with Vortex Defender CCW Enclosed https://eurooptic.sjv.io/jRa35a Gideon Valor Mini is another good optic, but the solar panel in the Vortex gives me a touch more piece of mind. I have seen batteries fail all out of the blue and a dual power source optic is a good idea.

TACTICAL
-With ARs, all my usual preferred options like Q's Sugar Weasel or Fold AR's Watchman are $2k+. Personally, I would buy pieces and build one, but that's me. If we are looking for a ready made option on a budget. That means: free floating M-lok handguard, some sort of a reasonable collapsible stock and a grip made for human hands that you do not have to replace immediately (i.e. not GI), 16" barrel, so that you do not have to deal with NFA nonsense, an some sort of a replaceable muzzle device.
The good part is there is a ton of these. The bad part is that there is a ton of these and it is hard to figure out if there are any real differences between them. Most of them work quite nicely despite being on a budget and you can almost always find multiple turnkey options in the $500 range. This time I am going to go with ZRO Delta since I know the company and since their $500-ish AR is cerakoted into FDE, has improved furniture and an ambidextrous safety. I prefer full length pic rails, but in this case that's not a requirement https://alnk.to/cwWJhri
With optics, it sorta comes down to what is most important to you. Since this is a general purpose setup (in my mind) a budget LPVO with a bright fiber dot is the way to go https://alnk.to/9mt5CSs
The market is not awash with decent budget scope mounts. PA's SLx is serviceable enough for this https://alnk.to/614GZpB
If your intentions lean more toward the CQB side of thing, PA's microprism with nuclear bright T-dot reticle is the way https://alnk.to/4qPSag0

An AR intended for defensive purposes should have a light on it. I have been looking at that rather carefully lately. All the nice stuff (Modlite, Surefire, Arisaka, etc is kinda expensive. Something like Streamlight Pro-TAC and Inforce WMLx will work well enough, so I would lean toward Inforce WMLx because I like its ergonomics without having to deal with cables and remotes https://alnk.to/7X91OJd It is not quite as nice as the Arisaka light I have in terms of beam profile, but I am not complaining either.

HUNTING
-For a hunting rifle, to the surprise of exactly noone, I am going to go slightly less budget and suggest a Tikka again. These are the most consistently accurate mass produced rifles I have seen to date. They also have very good lightweight versions and a T3x Superlite with a 20" barrel is just the ticket here: https://eurooptic.sjv.io/VOdeDM I like the texture of the Roughtech stocks and the looks of a fluted barrel. If you are looking to save some money, you can get T3X Lite for about $400 less https://eurooptic.sjv.io/xJo3DR
Yes, there is a myriad of options in the $400 range from Mossberg, Savage, etc. They all sorta work, although they tend to be a little rough around the edges. I would pay a touch more and get a Tikka.
Either 6.5CM or 308Win would work fine. I lean toward 6.5CM personally with +Peak ammo looming.
With optics, it is arguably even harder to choose given the absolutely psychotic number of options. However, since for this hunting rifle it would be nice to keep things relatively light, things get narrowed down a bit. Most sane people would get a conventional SFP scope and be done. On the budget end of things, I think Burris Fullfield 3-12x56 with illuminated #4 reticle is it https://alnk.to/6bZrZ01 If you care about weight and can live with a compact scope, I would pick up Trijicon Accupoint 3-9x40 and be done https://alnk.to/g3fSUAi
However, since I live out West and distances here can get non-trivial (and since I picked a rifle that can tackle those non-trivial distances), I would like a lightweight FFP scope with a zerostop turret in the 3-15x or thereabouts range.
If you speak MOA, get Burris Veracity PH 2.5-12x42 https://alnk.to/e7by7GA
If you speak mrad, I think Athlon Helos BTR Gen2 might be the best budget option out there https://eurooptic.sjv.io/vDm3rO
If you are willing to open up your pocket a bit more, Vortex Razor HD-LHT 4.5-22x50 is still the lightweight king of the crossover world https://eurooptic.sjv.io/X4YM94

RIMFIRE
Finally, let's talk rimfire. For general plinking, practice and zombie squirrel combat, noone has yet come up with anything better than a Ruger Takedown 10/22 in X22 stock that can live in the back of your truck in a nicely clandestine pack of some sort in order to always be available.
https://alnk.to/5ukq47S
I have just such a beast, albeit with an upgraded barrel, but stock barrel is fine too. There are other options out there that are less expensive with the Ruger. I've shot them here and there, but I think here is an advantage in staying with the 10/22 ecosystem.
Optics for an ultralite, yet decently accurate 22LR happen to be a slightly overlooked segment of the optics market and I approach it differently from most. My 10/22 has Element 5x30 prismatic on it set up in conventional rings. https://eurooptic.sjv.io/7XKrrr
It is very good optically, compact (which shifts the weight back for easy shooting offhand) and has sidefocus, so that I can plink at very small things not too far away. Naturally, I am partial to the reticle. Now, it is not cheap, but the problem with cheap rimfire scopes is that most are not very good and lack side focus. Even a basic 10/22 will let you practice out to a couple of hundred yards if you are so inclined.
If you do prefer a conventional variable power optic for this, SWFA 2.5-10x32 Ultralight is surprisingly good https://swfa.com/products/swfa-2-5-10x32-ss-ultralight-rimfire-plex-reticle-1-tube-25-moa-clicks-50-yard-parallax

At this stage, we are about $4500 in with a pretty decent arsenal that can do a lot of different things.

That does not include suppressors and those are really up to you. I do not have the means to try them all, so I can only recommend what I have tried. I tend to use Q suppressors, to a significant degree because I like their tone and mounting method. If you stick with 6.5mm or smaller calibers, you can take one Jumbo Shrimp suppressor and move it around. However, if you plan to have one suppressor to move around and you are not yet sure what you caliber options would be, one 30cal suppressor in a quick mount of some sort is the way to go. Q makes the Trash Panda for that which is a very nice titanium can. More recently, they made a similarly sized Blind Target which is steel and costs a couple of hundred dollars less. I'd be inclined to just do that https://alnk.to/4XA98Fg

For a rimfire suppressor, there is a ton of options out there that are all similar to each other. I am partial to Q El Camino as a general purpose rimfire can https://alnk.to/faG620Z

The way the market is going, if NFA does fall (which seems relatively likely) in the next two years, we will see decent rimfire suppressors For $100 - $150 all over the place.

I think that roughly covers it. At current prices, I can rebuild the fundamentals of my armory for about $6k including the suppressors.

That's a good chunk of money, but it is still about half of what my match rifle costs altogether.

Now, if, heaven forbid, I was facing this same horrible scenario... I would probably learn to scuba dive and go looking for the right lake.

Alternatively, if starting from scratch, I would get:
-Sig P365 XMacro TACOPS build which includes threaded barrel, Sig red dot and a couple of 21rd magazine for ~$1200
-Q Boombox in 8.6Blackout with a 16" barrel. https://eurooptic.sjv.io/5kzQoN That scratches my hunting itch out to 500 yards or so, while also doubling up nicely as a defensive firearm when equipped with subsonics. For an optic, I am sticking with PA's PLxC 1.5-12x36 https://alnk.to/7ftZTDE For a suppressor, Q's SHort Chop This would run about $7500
-To scratch the precision itch, I'd be picking up Tikka T1x rimfire and mounting Telson TM 5-25x56 on it. https://telsonoptics.com/shop/target-master-5-25x56-ir-ffp/?ref=llkqsdus That's about $1500

I have two out of these three firearms on hand and P365 will be here eventually too.

That's a lot more money for fewer firearms, but this would match my personal idiosyncrasies exceedingly well.

That's one of the reasons why details matter. What is the best option for me, might not be the best option for you if our preferences diverge.

When putting together a somewhat general recommendation like I did above, I make selections based on typical use and typical albeit relatively well trained users.

For most of us here who take these matters seriously, a general recommendations list is not the end of the discussion.

It is the start of it.

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Del Norte Black Rifle Match Drone footage

There was a gentleman with FPV drone getting some footage of every stage.
To my surprise, he just sent the videos out to everyone who shot the match.
Here is me lumbering my way through Stage 2. I'll look through other videos as time allows and upload a few more from other stages with more competent shooters.

Funny thing is that while I knew the drone guy was around, I have no recollection of him flying the drone while I was shooting. Even this minimal amount of stress induces some measure of tunnel vision.

00:02:30
2026 Del Norte Black Rifle Match Video

Here is the video of the stages we shot. There are two clips for Stage 8. These were a bit tricky to record without a drone, the way the 180 deg zones worked out.

00:09:47
Primary Arms PLx Compact High Power Scopes: First Look

It was a busy weekend, or at least that is my excuse.
I did finally make it out to the range for a quick side-by-side with the new PLxC scopes and some initial impressions.
Generally speaking, I have been quite impressed with how PA has been moving forward with their decidedly upmarket PLxC scopes.
It is now a very complete product line with 1-8x24 LPVO, 1.5-12x36 MPVO, 2.5-20x48 Crossover and 4.5-36x56 Precision scopes.

The latter two are the subject of this First Look video.

Equally importantly, Primary Arms is listening to market feedback and DEKA G2 reticle that is in both of the scopes I have is a perfectly modern precision reticle

https://alnk.to/et1cgmd

00:13:09
2 hours ago

How visible is the FML-4 reticle at 1.5X and how bright is the illumination on the 1.5-15x March? What are your thoughts on the dual focal plane version versus the FFP version? Thanks!

September 30, 2026

Does the PLx 2.5-20x have a locking elevation turret and how does it compare optically against the Telson Toxin? The Toxin's reticle looks better to me. Is the March 3-24x pretty much obsolete? Thanks!

Words Matter. Precision LPVO?

There is a new video out, by a very polite young man (I've had some interaction with him in the past via private messages and he comes off as a very pleasant gentleman) where he calls Arken EP8 1-8x24 with the new tree reticle the "Best Precision LPVO under $500". He's got it up on Rumble.
He does a good overview of the scope and the reticle and discusses the scope and how he is using it.

I did not find any of that objectionable, other than the statement that he can not see CA in it. I have seen that scope and on 8x there are two CA colors clearly evident. There is also significant purple CA in his through the scope image, just as he says that. On the other hand, it could be coming from the camera in that image and it might be harder to pick up with the naked eye in his sample.

All of that is fine and good and if he likes the EP8, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I sorta take issue with the whole concept of...

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2026 Del Norte Black Rifle Match

Yesterday was the annual charity match at Del Norte range an hour or so from Albuquerque.  We had fairly ridiculous amounts of water falling from the sky in the last few days and all the unpaves roads leading to the range did not take it well.  Still, it stopped rainign for a day so that we could go shoot.

This is a one gun match where you shoot some combination of paper and steel.  Steel plates are a bit further out.  Paper is all close in.  You are scored based on hits and how fast you run the stage.  I am old, fat and slow, so I am terrible at this, but the match is a lot of fun.

It does not help that I have been so focused on precision last couple of years that I have somewhat neglected the fast stuff.  I should really fix that.  There are some two gun matches at Legacy Ranch (an hour in the other direction from Albuquerque) on a fairly regular basis that I should try for practice.

This year, for shits and giggles, I decided to shoot it with an AK-74 which slowed me down even further, but it was definitely fun.

Last year's match was themed after John Wick movies.  This year, it was a Chuck Norris theme.

While some of the shooters are out to win, since it is a charity match, the atmosphere is very laid back and people do funny things here and there.

For example, one gentleman in my squad dressed as a tactical wizard (I think):

Tactical wizard next to a kilt wearing RO was, I thought, a nice scene.

He had a suppressor enclosed by a Monster can on his AR.  The whole thing was a hoot.

Another gentleman insisted on running stages with the bayonet attached to his AR.  One one of the paper targets that was really close, the ROs let hime bayonet it instead of shooting it.  It was a ncie A-Zone stab.

The carbine I brought for this was an AK74 from Palmetto State Armory https://alnk.to/bEnbIaI with AKML handguard from TDI Arms, DFCO grip, Zhukov stock and Primary Arms PLxC SFP 1-8x24 scope in an RS Regulate mount.  If you are looking for a nucelar bright SFP LPVO with a fiber dot, I will go on the record that at current discounted price, this is the best deal I have seen in a while https://alnk.to/88424vv

As shown, this rifle clocked in at 9.3lbs.  It is definitely not a lightweight, but it was not too heavy either.  I put it through several experiments with different stocks and pic rail dust covers that did not work out well enough for my purposes.  MOst annoyingly, the 1913 stock adaptor kept on getting loose, so I finally slapped Magpul's Zhukov stock on it and went back to the normal AK side mount for the scope.  It is not as slick as I wanted it, but it works.  Another experiment that failed was with getting a suppressor on it.  On this AK-74, the muzzle device is threade donto the side block.  It is not straight enough for a suppressor.  I was getting baffle strikes on a 6mm can.  I coule try a growwly oversized can, I suppose, but I decided to leave it along and put the original muzzle device on.  I still maintain that all guns should be suppressed, but they are not all designed to be suppressed.

In principle, if I wanted to shoot more matches, a longer handguard would go a long way toward helping me drive the gun, but I intentionally decided to run everything as if it has an 11" barrel and a correspondingly short handguard.  I think that muscle memory will translate optimally between different platforms I have.

I will be the first to admit that I may have overscoped this AK a little bit, but on the other hand, given that the scope is pretty light, I do not really see a problem.  At this match, the furthest plates were about 300 yards out, so I appreciated being able to zoom in a little, while on 1x with that bright fiber dot, this scope is fast.

For an AK, this gun has a decent ALG trigger, but having spent the last couple  of years with precision rifles and match triggers, it gave me fits.  It was also very hard to get myself out of the "precision" mode.  I could definitely go faster if my head was not getting in the way.  I think I will do some work on that in the next few weeks.  In the grand scheme of things, 5.56 plining ammo is now cheaper than 5.45x39, but I think I should practice this with different platforms.  I still have some AK specific muscle memory, but I was definitely rusty.

With Wolf 60gr Military Classic ammo launching at 2750fps (with 18fps StDev) the rifle shot groups in the 2MOA to 2.5MOA range standing tripod (I almost never shoot off of a bench any more, so I popped a bag on a tripod and shot off of that) which is plenty good enough for this type of a match.  Intrinsic accuracy of the gun did not get in my way.  However, managing the long spongy trigger pull for longer shots and for offhand shots was a little tricky.  Still, it is my own fault that I neglected practicing with my AKs.  

The match was originally supposed to be eight stages.   I was in quad six, so we shot 6, 7, 8, 1, 2 and 3 before we had to stop.  I have a couple of videos that I am going to look through, stitch together and post.

Just as we were about to shoot stage 4, everyone was told to stop and the range went cold.  Apparently, one of the ROs on a different stage was clearing his handgun (ROs were allowed to have handguns) and shot himself in the hand.  I did not witness it, but that is what I was told.  He was taken to the hospital and seems to be doing OK.  However, our day was done.

It is an unfortunate accident and it sounds like it was self-inflicted.  One of the board memebers from the range went and visited him in the hopsital.  He will need surgery.  Someone also mentioned that this is the second time this gentleman shot himself.  I am not sure what to make of that.  I do not know him personally.  We'll see if there are any further repercussions for the range or for the event moving forward.

There was also a night event (for stages shot with night vision), but I could not participate in that one due to various family obligations.  We are in the middle of a Jewish hoiday of sukkot and my wife already made plans for it.

Watching people bring different guns to this match was very interesting.  Some used ARs on longer stages and a PCC on close range stuff.  It never occurred to me to have multiple guns with me.  One gentleman had what looked like a suppressed PS90 SBR.  A couple of peopl had AKs.  I saw a CZ Scorpion and a B&T SBC9.  I am sure there were a few other unusual choices there, but most people were shooting AR-15s of all sorts.

I have some time to figure out what I will bring next year, but a P320 in a Flux Raider chassis could be an interesting option.

 

 

 

 

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On rash opinions, good questions, bad choices and the art of compromising
and a little bit about Primary Arms PLxC 2.5-20x48 and Vortex Razor Gen3 4-24x44

It has been raining cats and dogs here which is very unusual for Albuquerque and also very welcome.  

Between travel, weather, Jewish holidays and a new virus the kids brought from school, I have not managed to spend any real time at the range.  That is unfortunate since I have a long queue of stuff to test.

All that sitting in various airport lounges did give me a chance to browse through a couple of forums. That is a mix of amusing, educational and disheartening in roughly equal measures.

One thing that drives me up the wall is when someone makes an ironclad absolutist assessment based on a single experience or a single piece of data without applying any critical thinking to either.  Now, we all have our prejudices, but sometimes it is a good idea to step back from those and recalibrate.

For example, there is a guy on the Hide currently sticking his negative opinion on Leica in every other post based on a bad customer service experience with his older Geovid 3200.com  

I have no idea what happened with his Leica interaction, but the way he describes it sounds a bit fishy. It also does not help that I know who that guy is and take it with a little grain of salt a priori.  There might have been some poetic freedoms taken with his account of events.  On the other hand, it is entirely possible that he called Leica CS and pissed someone off there within the first three sentences with his attitude.  Some years ago, he used to say all sorts of interesting things that he later claimed were influenced by late night and alcohol (he had many interesting things to say about me when he learned that I am Jewish and an immigrant and was stupid enough to say it to people who showed me the screenshots).  Be that as it may, even if he was a royal d!ck to the CS people at Leica, they still should have taken care of him and even if he had a bad experience he should still have enough perspective to understand that there is a reason Leica has been in business this long.

Yet, that is not how the world works.  

On a different topic, Leica Geovid MAX is en route, so I'll have some impressions soon.

That diversion aside, I have seen a good number of threads recently where people were looking for crossover scopes, without quite using the term and unsure how to select one.

I figured I'll use the example of two riflescopes I am looking at currently and offer a few different scenarios of why I would choose one over the other in some situations, but not in others.  This goes far beyond a simple: the glass is better here vs there.

Let's start with the spec table.  The two scopes in question are in the second and third columns:

Vortex Razor Gen3 4-24x44 and Primary Arms PLxC 2.5-20x48.

They are within a couple of ounces of each in terms of weight.

PLxC is an inch shorter.

PLxC has a slightly larger objective.

Razor has significantly more elevation adjustment.

Both have 10mrad per turn adjustment.

Here is a question for you: which one has wider field of view?  That is not a trick question, yet the answer depends on how you define it.

If you are talking about FOV on the same magnification, Razor Gen3 is wider (larger Apparent FOV). 

If you are talking about real FOV on the lowest magnification, then PLxC is a good bit wider since it goes down to 2.5x vs the Vortex' 4x.

Here is a different way to tabulate it:

   Real FOV, ft @ 100ydsReal FOV, degApparent FOV, deg
Primary Arms PLxC
2.5-20x48
low2.546.78.822.1
high205.81.122.2
Vortex Razor Gen 3 4-24x44low430.95.923.5
high245.31.024.3

On the same magnification, Razor Gen3 has about 9.5% wider real and apparent FOV.

However, on the lowest magnification, PLxC has  49% wider real FOV.

In which situations is one preferable to the other?

Vortex Razor Gen3 4-24x44 and Primary Arms PLxC 2.5-20x48

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Yom Kippur for a Secular Soviet Jew
Still Here

This may be a little off topic for a “Guns & Optics” website, but I figured you’ll forgive me a few occasional small diversions.  Yom Kippur begins at sundown tonight on September 20, 2026.  It is the Day of Atonement, the most somber day in the Jewish year.  I am not an especially observant Jew.  I grew up in the Soviet Union.  I do not keep a full traditional calendar, and I am not going to pretend otherwise.  I pay attention to a few of the major holidays, but do not make a big deal out of most of them.    

Yom Kippur still matters to me though.  For a long time I could not quite say why since it always looked a little hypocritical.  Left to my own devices, I avoid going to the temple like the plague.  I do not follow most of the ritual parts of Judaism (I definitely do not keep kosher).  Yet, the Day of Atonement matters.  Here is the closest I can get to understanding why.

Yom Kippur is a yearly act of defiance against any power that thinks it sits at the top of the pyramid.  It is a reminder that we get to return to what we are, no matter what the insanity of the year behind us made us do.  The tyrants I grew up under are mostly gone (some have changed business cards, but they are not the same as what they were).  We are still here and only G-d is above us.

What most know about Yom Kippur is the ritual.  Twenty-five hours. No food, no drink, no work if you are keeping it that way.  White clothes.  Long prayers if you go to the temple. A shofar blast when it ends.

Yom means Day.  The meaning of the word kippur is about covering, ransoming, wiping clean.  In the Bible the high priest walked into the holiest Temple sanctuary once a year, offered one goat to God, and sent another into the wilderness with the people’s sins named over it.  The house had to be cleaned so Presence could stay in the middle of a people who make a mess.

The physical Temple is gone. The day is not.

There is an old Talmudic story where Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakai was smuggled out of Jerusalem besieged by the Romans around 70 CE.  He greets Roman general Vespasian outside Jerusalem and predicts that he will become emperor.  Vespasian grants him one favor.  Ben Zakkai asks him “Give me Yavneh and its sages”.  He essentially asked him for a small town and the right to teach.  That became the center of Jewish learning after the Temple was destroyed. The building was gone. Study, prayer, and return were not. No army can burn that down.

For two thousand years after that Yom Kippur has been inward and interpersonal: return, confession, prayer, charity — and the rule that God does not clear what you still owe another human being.

You do not need to be observant to feel the weight of that. You only need to have lived through a year and have the dedication to stop for a day and reflect.

Why a secular Soviet Jew would still care

The Soviet state had a very simple take on the human being. You and everything around you belonged to the Communist Party.  There was no law superior to the regime.  Religion was either backwardness or a security problem.  Jewishness was an entry in your papers and the limit of what you were allowed to do or to be in the Soviet Union: a reason you did not get the job, a university placement or the exit visa.  In the Soviet Union, your ethnicity (Jewish is both religion and ethnicity) was recorded in your identification document.

Yom Kippur refuses the premise of the primacy of the state.

Not with a manifesto, but with a day that does not belong to their calendar.  With a fast the state did not schedule. With the old idea, older than Moscow or Rome or DC, that only God is above us.  Commissars are not.  General secretaries are not.  Whatever the current thing happens to be is not.

I am not religious enough to want to try to unpack “only God is above us” in any sort of a doctrinal sense.  It is still the most accurate sentence I have for this idea that we are all made in G-d’s image and no human is above the other.  There is a limit to what any government, any psychotic year, any burst of collective insanity is allowed to make of you.

The USSR wanted all of us to be state property, yet merely remaining a Jew was already a kind of insubordination.  They did not care about anyone’s individual piety.  That 5th line in the passport was not theological: you were Yevrei (Russian version of Hebrew) whether you kept Shabbat or not.  The state could punish us for that, but it could not quite extinguish what we are.  Tyrannies are not very good at planning for eternity.

In a very strange way, for me, Yom Kippur, in part, is the annual discovery that all the empires of history who promised to outlast us are all gone, yet we are still here.

Return, not performance

The Hebrew word everyone translates as repentance is teshuvah. The root is return.

A year of ordinary life asks you to become a lot of things you did not choose.  Some of that is ordinary adult compromise.  Some of it is moral cowardice.  Some of it is what you do to get through a system that wants everything from you: your speech, your hopes, your dreams, your life, and eventually your children.

Yom Kippur is the moment when you get to shake that year off and return to what you were.

It is not a conversation you have with another human.  Walking back toward what you are when the noise drops: a Jew, a free person, someone whose first loyalty is not to the last demand made on him is a conversation you get to have with G-d and with yourself once a year.  

Maimonides, who would not have been terribly impressed by my marginally existent piety, still defined the work in terms a secular person can use.  Name the act. Feel its weight. Say it. Resolve hard enough that you would be embarrassed to repeat it next Tuesday.  If another person has a name attached to the damage, start there.  Yom Kippur does not atone for what is between you and another person.  It is between you and G-d.

The Soviets were excellent at public confession that was just a performance.  We live in a culture inundated by peformative self-flagellation and that is fluent in other people’s sins and blind to its own.  Modern technology brought us social media that was a boon to both voyeurs and exhibitionists.   This day is the opposite of both.

Most of the people on here are not Jewish.  I assume most of you are either Christian or secular or somewhere in between.   A lot of you are secular in the ordinary American way, which is different from the Soviet way.  Here, you can be secular without buying into the religion of secularism, that is a luxury that was not afforded to us.

Whether Christian or secular, you do not need a metaphysics seminar and you most definitely do not need it from me.  Still, my point here is that once a year, it is not a bad thing to take all the dulling life anesthetics off the table: food, work, social media feed, performance and ask what the year turned you into.  Then ask what you are when that is all stripped off.  Then go figure out how to get back to what you are or what G-d wants you to be rather than what this past year made you.

The traditional greeting in these days is not “Happy Yom Kippur.” It is gmar chatima tova: a good final sealing.

That is probably why I keep this day, why I fast and turn all my electronic gadgets off. Not because I am pretending to be a model Jew.  Because I am still here, and because I refuse to let a year or a state or the feverish pace of life have the last word on what that means.

Gmar chatima tova.

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